


Satellite

by nahiko



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canon Related, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loneliness, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Anguish, Pining, Psychological Drama, Sad, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Unhappy Ending, unrequited love of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-04-02 13:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4061572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nahiko/pseuds/nahiko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide could probably drown in Kaneki’s eyes.</p><p>
  <em>"You're my satellite / Maybe you will always be / Just a little out of reach" (Satellite, Guster).</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Satellite

**Author's Note:**

> Hide, my precious sunflower kid, you deserve ~~d~~ so much more. *cries*  
>  So. Uh. This wasn't supposed to happen like this. To be honest, I've been thinking about it since the end of season two; there was a bigger plot, involving a series and something more, but I'm very busy with school, and already working on another things right now, so there's no way I'll be writing it any time soon. I didn't want to post this without finishing the others, but since it can stand on its own, I think I'll take a shot.  
>  ~~that's it, that's my excuse~~  
>  If you find any mistake, or think I should tag something, just let me know, right?

“I’m sorry”, you wish you could tell him

but the words won’t come out

“I love you”, you wish you could tell him

but the words still won’t come out

so you decide to settle for a thing that brings both sorrow and love

because you want him to know that it’s okay

you’re broken

he’s broken, too

it’s okay

no one ever said you needed to be whole

and maybe you don't want to be

(your shattered pieces, you see, match his

and you want him to know he means the world

or maybe more

so you finally tell him

to take you home)

 

**I**

There’s always been something beautiful about the way Kaneki reads his books. Hide loves it. He loves the way his best friend can turn off the world and drown in words, losing himself between the pages of some horror novel. He loves the way Kaneki drifts to other worlds, other places, how how he relates to fictional characters and feels them. He loves the way Kaneki’s hands will caress as if he has a treasure within his hands, how he will turn the pages with delicacy, and the way his eyes will narrow and his expression will contort in concentration, and he will be paying full attention to what he’s doing.

Maybe it’s less than the way he reads his books, and more about the way he does anything. Maybe there’s always been something beautiful about Kaneki himself.

The thing is: Hide can’t look anywhere else. Can’t love anything or anyone else, because the whole world is gray and pale when compared to Kaneki — so meaningless, so sad, so empty, and Hide couldn’t survive in a world without Kaneki and his shy, soft smiles, or his beautiful dark, dark eyes, or the way they lit up in happiness when they are together, or the sound of book pages turning and the quietness of Kaneki’s breath.

Hide couldn’t live in a world without Kaneki, because he loves Kaneki. Hide loves him, he knows he does, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Since the beginning, that deep connection he felt with the other teen — they were just brats but he loved Kaneki already; those sad eyes and the way he eventually warmed up to Hide, how they bonded over the weirdest and the most normal things, and how they were always so alike and at the same so different. Kaneki was his best friend, and Hide loved him then, and he loves him now, and it ain’t wrong. Somewhere between the years of friendship, his love may have melted into another kind — the wish to tightly hold hands, to caress Kaneki’s hair, to touch his lips delicately and hide his face in the crook of Kaneki’s neck —, but the only thing Hide’s ever wanted was for Kaneki to be happy; loving him and being in love with him don’t change anything.

Fine, Kaneki is a boy. Fine. Maybe Hide shouldn’t be having this kind of thoughts about another boy, about his best friend, and maybe people can point their fingers at him and tell him he’s wrong, that this kind of love is wrong, that he’s going to Hell.

But — but. He doesn’t chose whom he loves. Even if he did, loving Kaneki isn’t something he regrets. Isn’t something he would ever regret. Hide believes firmly that there is no such a thing as “wrong love”. There are wrong things people do and say they’re doing it for love. The feeling itself can never be wrong — loving another boy doesn’t make him any less human, nor any more heartless. Then — Hide wants to lean in and kiss Kaneki’s lips. Kaneki’s cheeks. He wants to caress his soft, soft face, and see the way Kaneki will surely blush, because he’s always been shy like that. He wants to hold Kaneki’s face and stare at those amazing eyes until they swallow him whole.

Hide could probably drown in Kaneki’s eyes.

 

**II**

Kamishiro Rize-san has long purple hair and beautiful, beautiful eyes — gray-ish ones, like Kaneki’s, that are soft and round and lonely. She holds herself with some confused kind of confidence and shyness, and a lack of any ulterior motives.

Hide doesn’t know what to think about her. It’s one of the few times Kaneki’s managed to surprise him, because he knows Kaneki like the back of his hand, but he doesn’t know what’s going through Kaneki’s mind. His friend’s type of girl had always been the cute, small ones, who would blush and avert their gazes when stared at; the quiet ones, with pinky delicate lips and tiny hands and smiles like blossoming sakura flowers. And it’s not that Rize-san isn’t beautiful — she is, and wonderfully so —, there’s just something off about — her, him, Kaneki, the whole situation. And it’s not as if there’s anything to comprove he has, indeed, a reason to feel this way; just an uncomfortable feeling at the back of his mind, nagging at him and making him uneasy.

Hide knows better than to ignore his instincts, but just this time, he decides to shrug it off. He’s never had any reason to believe Kaneki would let him. He doesn’t think Kaneki would let him, for anyone or anything; because they’re friends, they’re best friends, and they’ve been together for long enough for him to be sure — it’s some kind of selfish certainty that he’s important enough so he won’t be left behind, but Hide can’t pretend it’s not in him.

He’s never had any reason to believe Kaneki would let him. For anyone, or for anything.

Until now.

Hide isn’t trying to ignore a potentially dangerous person — he would’ve known if she was dangerous, he would’ve known, should’ve known —, he’s trying to ignore this ugly part hidden deep inside of him that is envious. This jealous part, that wants to grab Kaneki’s hand and drag him out of Anteiku, that wants to keep him hidden of the world because he knows Kaneki wouldn’t leave, he knows, but he’s afraid, and there’s this self-loathing bubbling up at the pit of his stomach, this wish to scowl at himself because this is pathetic and he’s so stupid.

Kaneki isn’t his. Kaneki isn’t a thing to be possessed, Hide doesn’t own him. It’s not like this that a relationship works and Hide feels sick — he feels sick for smiling and laughing and telling Kaneki she’s so out of your league because this is oh, such a lie.

But the worst — the worst part of all — isn’t even that he says it. The worst part is that Kaneki accepts it, accepts it, and he shouldn’t, because he’s beautiful, he’s gorgeous, there’s no one out of his league, and he shouldn’t accept anyone’s bullshit — not even Hide’s, especially Hide’s.

He feels himself grimacing as yet another time, Kaneki’s lack of confidence makes him feel as if he’s failing in the whole “be your best friend” thing. He’s not helping at all, and he should say he’s sorry, but he’s tried before and Kaneki will do what he does every time: act as if Hide’s done nothing wrong, as if everything’s okay, as if he’s not hurting inside, shy and insecure and afraid.

It’s not okay. It’s not okay to say this kind of things, not when he knows Kaneki, not when he knows how Kaneki will feel, it’s not okay.

Gods, he’s so sorry. So, so sorry.

But it doesn’t change anything, does it? Damnit.

 

**III**

Hide has screwed up enough he knows better than to try and follow Kaneki through the date. But he regrets it — regrets it deeply — once he discovers that his friend is in the hospital.

Hide wants to scream and wants to hit himself in the face, again and again and again, until it stops hurting inside — until it goes away, all the despair and regret, the knowledge of the fact that once more he has failed Kaneki, that he has made the wrong decision. He should’ve known, should’ve seen it coming, should’ve prevented it because that’s what he does, right? It’s the one thing he promised himself he would do, whatever it took from him, it was his job, his goddamn job: Hide protects Kaneki, has always protected Kaneki, and this time he didn’t — couldn’t fucking do it because he was too worried wallowing in his self-pity, his self-loathing for making the one person he’s ever cared about feel worse about themselves.

And even as he sits down on his bathroom floor and holds his knees close to his chest, holding the sobs and the tears as best as he can, Hide can’t help but to think about his selfishness. Didn’t he do mistakes enough already? Does he even have the right to sit here and cry? Because he sure as hell doesn’t feel like he has.

Again and again and again, Hide muses, he’s doing it about himself. Shouldn’t it be about Kaneki?

 

**IV**

The first time they see each other after the incident, Hide discovers that his best friend’s turned into a ghoul.

It’s a bit shocking, to say at least. It makes him tense, and worried — but, no, not for his life. Definitely not. He thinks about Kaneki, shy, gentle, kind Kaneki, that wouldn’t hurt a fly and much less another person, and he knows: there’s no way in hell Kaneki’s been feeding himself. He has this strange kind of life motto — instead of being the one to hurt, be the one being hurt —, and Hide respects it, but he hates himself, because he should’ve know it would bring problems later. He should’ve seen it coming (it’s almost funny the amount of times Hide should’ve seen things coming, and yet he didn’t), because Kaneki is always so eager to put himself in danger to save other one’s lives, he’s always so eager to help, to protect, even though most of times he’s the one that needs to be protected, the one being protected.

Kaneki’s always been to pure — and Hide knows how this works; he knows what the world does to people like him, he’s seen it with his own eyes, and he doesn’t want Kaneki to suffer any more than he probably already has.

That’s what motivates him to rise his hand and tug it at Kaneki’s pants, even when fear has made his body freeze and he’s in pain, bones and head aching, his brain getting dizzier by the second. Nishio-senpai sounds merciless, he can probably do worse, and Hide just wants Kaneki to be safe, has always wanted just for Kaneki to be safe — even if it means risking his own life.

Don’t go. Please. Don’t get hurt.

But Kaneki — oh, stupidly brave Kaneki — doesn’t leave him.

 

**V**

It’s not just in his head, Hide knows. Kaneki isn’t making it too obvious, because he’s not that cruel, but he is getting more and more distant each passing day.

Hide wants to hit him in the head and ask what the hell you think you’re doing. Is it because he’s a ghoul? Hide doesn’t care that he’s a ghoul. Hide doesn’t care. It doesn’t change anything. It’s still Kaneki, it’s still the boy he loves, always loved, will always love. How shallow should he be to leave his best friend for such a thing? Kaneki shouldn’t feel like he needs to protect Hide, or even the other way around — Hide wouldn’t tell, won’t tell, he can never do anything to purposely hurt Kaneki.

It’s just so hard — especially when he feels like their friendship is being ripped apart for the sense of false security, so hard when he wants to say that it’s okay when he knows that to Kaneki it’s not, so hard when he wants to hug his best friend and run away, run away.

 

**VI**

Kaneki has new friends now. Touka-chan, the cute girl, and people that work on the cafe. They’re all ghouls.

Kaneki has new friends now, and Hide isn’t jealous. He saw what it took — he sees it everyday, even when only in his own mind, the way there’s always deep sadness behind Kaneki’s façade; the way there’s always a hint of pain in his smiles. But when he’s in Anteiku, part of the loneliness disappears — when he’s scolded by Touka-chan, or when he’s laughing with Hinami-chan, or when he’s helping the others with the orders. Hide wishes he could be the one to do that, wishes he could be the one that can make Kaneki feel like he belongs — but he can’t, not right now, because cornering him will make him run and this is the last thing Hide wants. Maybe he feels kinda lonely, a bit left out now, but he can endure it.

Anything. He would do anything for Kaneki — even when it means he sits alone in his couch at Saturday nights, waiting for the boy who never comes to play with him again.

 

**VII**

It’s been awhile since the last time they talked. Hide hasn’t been visiting Anteiku that much, busy with school things, and he hasn’t seen his best friend in the school facilities. He tells himself it’s okay — one unanswered message means nothing, not when he already had a lot of them before, not when it didn’t exactly change anything, not when Kaneki is still his best friend.

It doesn’t change a thing — or so he likes to believe. Maybe Kaneki hasn’t told him about being a ghoul, but he will. Eventually. Hopefully. Because how can he not be sure that Hide loves him independently on it? They’ve been friends since forever. This kind of relationship can’t be broken in a matter of seconds, over things none of them has any power of changing, at least not to Hide.

He sighs softly, and looks at the forgotten, already cold, cup of coffee in his hands.

Man, did he always hate this drink. But guess he’ll have to learn how to do it now, right?

 

**VIII**

Kaneki doesn’t come home.

 

**IX**

For days and months that drag like years, Hide tries his best — even when his best isn’t enough. There was that Aogiri hideout, and Hide had been so sure Kaneki was there — he had been so sure, he had heard through that thing he put in the ghoul with pale blonde hair, he had thought it meant Kaneki would be safe.

Hide knows he’s only human, and, when compared to ghouls, weak. He knows that, thinking coldly about the matter, Kaneki doesn’t really need him. But even when to keep searching means to be selfish — he needs Kaneki to be by his side —, just to give up would be even more so. After all they’ve passed through, how can he even consider it?

Kaneki’s not Hide’s only friend. He’s not, but he’s the only one Hide would do anything for. The afternoons spent together as the sun went down, the quiet nights of sleepovers with only the soft sound of Kaneki’s breath besides him, the hours together studying or playing video games or just talking, because Hide had always had some story to tell and Kaneki never minded hearing them — Hide wants it back so much it hurts.

So maybe it’s loneliness talking too loud, or maybe he’s being selfish, or maybe he’s being right, and he has all the right to run after Kaneki. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter why he’s doing it — the only thing that matter is that he’s still doing it, and he doesn’t intend on stopping.

Hide feels old. He feels sad. He wants to go home.

 

**X**

Kaneki is the only home he knows. Never any words sounded truer to him. And Hide knows now — he knows the reason why he did all he did, so much more than the harboured love. And when he stands up to his friends whose eyes stare at him in utter shock, Hide wants nothing but to let the words spill out of his mouth. He just wants Kaneki to know he loves him no matter what — loves him, loves him, has always loved him.

If he had time to think about — it’s stupid, really. They’ve been friends for so long, together for so long, and not once words were necessary. Kaneki knows Hide loves him, he knows. Deep, deep down, under the carefully built walls he’s hiding inside. That’s why he’s so afraid, so ashamed, that’s the reason why he relentlessly covers up the kakugan — Hide’s constant worry was the only affection he’d known for years, and he’s afraid that if his ghoul nature is discovered, Hide will hate him.

Which is stupid, too — as if Hide could ever hate him, as if it was even a possibility (it’s not, it’s never been).

When you love someone, you want them to see the best in you. That’s the reason why, even though his whole body burns with agonizing pain and blood trickles down his torso, Hide still tries so forcefully act as if nothing’s changed. He wants Kaneki to know that he’s still the same Hide. He’s still the same Hide that held his hands when it was cold, who shared jokes and funny stories, who watched Kaneki read as if it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen — he’s still the same child whose love grows unconditionally independently on time or situation, who decided the shy brunette was going to be his best friend for the rest of his life, who loved him from the moment they met.

And in his own way, Hide knows Kaneki loves him, too. Loves him enough to try and protect him, even when it’s not just his decision to make — loves him enough to keep away when Hide was all he knew.

Maybe it’s not the same kind of love, maybe it’s not the love Hide wanted it to be, before, and maybe he’ll never know, but it’s love nonetheless, and it counts.

“Let’s go home, Kaneki.”


End file.
